Feel the Love By DAVID BROOKS

Feel the Love
By DAVID BROOKS, New York Times, November 2, 2007

BRIAN WILLIAMS: Welcome to Drexel University, the site of tonight’s Democratic presidential debate. Let’s get started with Senator Barack Obama. Senator, you’ve vowed to spend this entire debate standing on Senator Clinton’s windpipe while reducing her to a quivering mass of jelly. How do you plan on doing that?

SENATOR BARACK OBAMA: Well, Brian, as you know the goal of my campaign is to make this country as noble as I am. But without casting aspersion or criticism in any direction, I have noticed that Senator Clinton, probably without meaning to, has not fully contextualized her discourse, which has had the effect of diffusing the national conversation we must have about the tremendous challenges we face.

WILLIAMS: Senator Clinton, I’m going to give you a few seconds to recover from that mauling.

SENATOR HILLARY CLINTON (quietly weeping): Thank you, Brian.

TIM RUSSERT: Senator Edwards, let’s turn to you. Four years ago, you vowed to run an entirely positive campaign. Now you’re running a negative one. What changed?

JOHN EDWARDS: My convictions, Tim. The American people want a president they can trust. Four years ago I went from being a centrist New Democrat to a left-wing populist because I wanted voters to be able to trust that I would stand up against the forces of opportunism in this country. Now I stand up to the megarich lawyers. I stand up to the hedge fund managers, the big spenders and the McMansion owners. Basically, I’ve been standing up to myself. And I don’t take money from Washington lobbyists. I take money from the people who hire Washington lobbyists, which means a savings of, like, 15 percent.

RUSSERT: Senator Clinton?

CLINTON: First, I want to pre-emptively agree with what everybody will say on all sides of every issue in this debate. That’s why the Republicans are so afraid of me. Second, I want to congratulate the Boston Red Sox. I’ve been a Red Sox fan my whole life ...

WILLIAMS: Senator Biden, a different topic. If the Iranians vaporize Tel Aviv with a nuclear weapon, should Democrats ask them to apologize?

SENATOR JOE BIDEN: Well, I ...

WILLIAMS: Sorry, your time has expired. Senator Obama, same question.

OBAMA: Absolutely not, Brian. If you look at this administration’s record on Iran, you see a lot of pejorative words, some of them very hurtful. We Democrats need to have the courage to counter the politics of fear by using the word “diplomacy” six and seven times in one sentence — eight, if necessary.

EDWARDS: I worry about the two Irans. For while the corporate Jihadis are building nuclear weapons, the working-class extremists are shivering in doorways and making do with sharp sticks.

WILLIAMS: Senator Clinton, at the end of your husband’s administration, you placed your authentic self in a cryogenic vault in the National Archives. Will you allow the archives to release your authentic self during this campaign?

CLINTON: It’s kind of embarrassing Brian, but my authentic self was misfiled sometime in 2003, and we can’t find it.

RUSSERT: Another question for Senator Clinton. You support giving driver’s licenses to illegal aliens. How many times should they be able to retake the little photos until they get one they like?

CLINTON: To be clear, I said that licenses for illegals was a smart idea that I oppose. There are also many dumb ideas I support and mediocre ideas I’m lukewarm about. I keep track on my iPhone.

REP. DENNIS KUCINICH (arriving): Sorry I’m late everybody. My U.F.O. got held up in traffic behind Shirley MacLaine’s house.

WILLIAMS: Now we turn to our lightning round in which each of the candidates will have 3.75 seconds to spout pandering clichés that demonstrate how the campaigning process has reduced their minds to pabulum. Senator Clinton, which issue would you like to obfuscate next?

CLINTON: Obfuscate? Son, let me tell you the truth, because you can’t handle the truth. We live in a world with enemies. We fight elections where people play rough. Who’s going to do it? These two pretty boys? The left-wing nutjobs in our party who sit around watching Bill Maher?

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, leads to victory. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about in Santa Monica dinner parties, you want me at that podium. You need me at that podium. And I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to the self-righteous liberals who rise and sleep under the blanket of the very victory I provide! I wish you’d just said thanks and went on your way. In any case, I don’t give a damn what answers you think you’re entitled to!

GOV. BILL RICHARDSON: That was beautiful, Hillary. I love you.

Editorial Note: Sometimes even the subversive NY Times gets something right. As they say, even a broken clock is right twice a day.